Do you know what's frustrating? Having infinite ideas while being confined to a finite world. It's the pits.
I'm not using "infinite" as a synonym for "tons" or "a lot of" or in a quantitative way at all, really. I mean it qualitatively. The ideas that I dream of and the ambitions I pursue are organized and well thought out, but nebulous and without real boundaries.
I want to do everything, and do it now.
Usually, especially lately, my frustrations revolve around the limiting factor of time (blerg) and the longing for infinite service.
I have so many goals and desires and ways I want to be beneficial to other people. I have a lot of guilt stored up for not being 100% altruistic all the time.
But beyond just being frustrated with the mechanics of it all, I'm frustrated in theory: recognizing the frequent manifestations of my presently inherent impediment of being mortal. I am an eternal being. I am stuck in time, and that is inevitably going to cause discontentment.
But I don't think it's meant just to be an annoyance.
There are things I'm learning–about priorities, about time management, about making the hard decisions–that are absolutely necessary for my progression. I ask myself, "If I were able to act on every generous thought that comes to my mind, would they mean as much?" "If I were able to spend all my time to giving vaccines to children in 3rd world countries, would it be significant?"
A metastable conclusion I've come to is that because I have to be selective with my time, I am more deliberate (another word I could go on and on about). Perhaps it is more of a sacrifice to take the time to serve someone now that I'm in school, completing required observation hours, working, AND spending surprisingly large amounts of time to eat healthfully and exercise. But isn't that what sacrifice is all about? If my only objective was altruism/philanthropy, it would not be a sacrifice to serve. Sacrifice is, by definition, selectively giving up A for a supposedly "better" B.
It's extraordinarily difficult to sort out all those As and Bs but because I am desperately and only moderately successfully trying to squeeze service opportunities into my already busy routine, it is more momentous to me.
So I keep going.
I can actively choose to persevere despite being handicapped by the burdens of mortality and finity (a word I just made up).
I can sometimes struggle and sometimes fail and sometimes even shake my fists in the unresponsive air. I can do it because every time I struggle/fail/fist-shake I am being refined.
Stuffing an infinite and eternal being into a restrictive fleshy casing is uncomfortable, but as I adjust (ungracefully) to this awkward and relatively new environment I can adapt. I can still benefit others. I can even improve with practice and eventually thrive.
That's the plan, anyway.
I'm not using "infinite" as a synonym for "tons" or "a lot of" or in a quantitative way at all, really. I mean it qualitatively. The ideas that I dream of and the ambitions I pursue are organized and well thought out, but nebulous and without real boundaries.
I want to do everything, and do it now.
Usually, especially lately, my frustrations revolve around the limiting factor of time (blerg) and the longing for infinite service.
I have so many goals and desires and ways I want to be beneficial to other people. I have a lot of guilt stored up for not being 100% altruistic all the time.
But beyond just being frustrated with the mechanics of it all, I'm frustrated in theory: recognizing the frequent manifestations of my presently inherent impediment of being mortal. I am an eternal being. I am stuck in time, and that is inevitably going to cause discontentment.
But I don't think it's meant just to be an annoyance.
There are things I'm learning–about priorities, about time management, about making the hard decisions–that are absolutely necessary for my progression. I ask myself, "If I were able to act on every generous thought that comes to my mind, would they mean as much?" "If I were able to spend all my time to giving vaccines to children in 3rd world countries, would it be significant?"
A metastable conclusion I've come to is that because I have to be selective with my time, I am more deliberate (another word I could go on and on about). Perhaps it is more of a sacrifice to take the time to serve someone now that I'm in school, completing required observation hours, working, AND spending surprisingly large amounts of time to eat healthfully and exercise. But isn't that what sacrifice is all about? If my only objective was altruism/philanthropy, it would not be a sacrifice to serve. Sacrifice is, by definition, selectively giving up A for a supposedly "better" B.
It's extraordinarily difficult to sort out all those As and Bs but because I am desperately and only moderately successfully trying to squeeze service opportunities into my already busy routine, it is more momentous to me.
So I keep going.
I can actively choose to persevere despite being handicapped by the burdens of mortality and finity (a word I just made up).
I can sometimes struggle and sometimes fail and sometimes even shake my fists in the unresponsive air. I can do it because every time I struggle/fail/fist-shake I am being refined.
Stuffing an infinite and eternal being into a restrictive fleshy casing is uncomfortable, but as I adjust (ungracefully) to this awkward and relatively new environment I can adapt. I can still benefit others. I can even improve with practice and eventually thrive.
That's the plan, anyway.
